Divine trees

Looking up a majestic palm tree in Hawaii. Divine!

Looking up a majestic palm tree in Hawaii. Divine!

My favorite tree is the palm tree. I love its strong stem and evergreen leaves. I also love that it reminds me of tropical places and the sea. However, all trees are special. Let me show you why. Trees are centered beings standing firmly. They are always grounded because their roots have a good grip on them connecting them to Mother Earth who nourishes and nurtures them. At the same time, their branches reach so high up into the sky as if they try to touch the clouds to reach up into the heavens above.

Trees do as they wish. They are never intimidated to make more out of themselves and grow nor to let go when it is time to shed withering leaves. Never asking for much except for a little water from time to time, they stand tall and proud weathering many storms in their lives. They tolerate humans and animals climbing on them, give shade, provide oxygen to breathe in, fruits to eat, blossoms to admire and enjoy, and healing for any soul and body that comes. You see, I believe that a tree is a gift from the universe, source energy or God in many ways. They are steadfast yet gentle, taking yet giving divine beings.

Have you honored a tree today? Let’s cherish those marvelous creatures. Why not even hug one. Let’s give thanks to God for these beauties in our nature. Let’s not cut them and destroy them in thousands without replacing their spots with new seeds. Let’s not take away living space of thousands of species living in rainforests that cannot be found elsewhere on our planet. Let’s not simply destroy in a few years what was magnificently designed and evolved over millions. Let’s not simply take what was given without giving back. Let’s not cut off ourselves from fresh air. Let’s not deprive our children of not just this gift of nature but a necessity for survival. If we don’t, what air will future generations breathe in? Where will they go for shade? What will they eat? Where will they play? Who will teach them about self-confidence and personal power? Who will provide healing and comfort, insight and wisdom?

Let’s pray for those future generations. Let’s pray for our trees that we have left standing. Better yet, let’s do everything we can to save them. Let’s join organizations, mobilize supporters, and use more recycled paper. Don’t print this post, this e-mail, this article, please. Let’s give thanks for divine trees. Let’s honor them. Let’s hug them. Let’s save our divine, majestic wonders of nature.



Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit © 2014 by Barbara Bullock. Photo was taken in Hawaii 2014.

#Tree #Trees #Environment #Paper #Palmtree #Nature #God #Planet #MotherEarth #Power #Organization #Rainforest #Hawaii #Divinity #Generations #Green #Future #root #growth

Posted in Blossoms, d, divinity, Environment, environmental, future, generations, god, green, growth, Hawaii, Mother Earth, Nature, od, organization, palmtree, paper, planet, power, Prayer, rainforest, root, Seed, strength, Tree, Trees | Tagged | Leave a comment

Two New Beginnings


Sunset in Venice, Italy, signifying the end of a day. A new beginning follows the next day.

Sunset in Venice, Italy, signifying the end of a day. A new beginning follows the next day.

This month, June, has turned out to be a very eventful month leaving me with two significant occurrences that will change my life forever. As I walked across the stage of the Petco Park Stadium in San Diego celebrating the achievement and conferral of my degree, I got emotional when I shook the dean’s hands. Certainly, it was an exciting day that I had looked forward to for months. Certainly, my accomplishment was worth being proud of. Certainly, I had all rights to shed a few happy tears. However, those cheerful tears were not only mine. As I walked off the stage and looked into the crowds of families and friends applauding the graduates, I thought of my dad. He had passed away a few days earlier. He was the kind of person, who would not always express his feelings directly. Rather, he did so in silent whispers and small gestures. He could not cheer me loudly on that day. Nevertheless, I could feel that he was proud of me. Perhaps it was him crying cheerful tears on that day.

Several speakers at the commencement pointed out that it is not necessarily the degree itself that will make a difference in the world but what we do with it. While a commencement ceremony signifies a celebration of achievement and the end of a student’s studies, it is a new beginning. It is a chance for the graduate to use the knowledge received for the greater and make a mark in the world. It is a chance to leave the world a little better than before. It is a chance for a new beginning of success. Some students use it to better the lives of others in their communities, other students fly to the moon to change the entire world. A student becomes a graduate, a professor becomes a former instructor, and a university an alma mater leaving memories and wisdom.

The same can be said when a parent returns to our spiritual home leaving many memories of childhood and transferred knowledge behind in the hope that the next generation would carry on the tradition and legacy, a kind of new beginning although heavily disguised. It takes courage to love because suffering and loss is an inevitable part of loving. It takes courage to let go. It takes courage to graduate and venture out into the world. Thank you, Dad, for your courage. I hope I’ll make you proud again someday. Meanwhile, fly with the angels to the moon. I’ll see you there some day.

Love, Barbara

Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, taken in Venice, Italy, May 2016


National University http://www.nu.edu

Petco Park, San Diego http://petcoparkevents.com/

#Graduation #University #Beginning #End #Death #June #Transformation #Commencement #NationalUniversity #PetoPark #SanDiego #Parent #Dad #Father


Posted in Angels, beginning, ceremony, Childhood, commencement, courage, dad, Death, end, father, graduation, june, loss, Love, nationaluniversity, pa, Parents, petcopark, sandiego, Soul, Spirituality, university | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

From Mind full to Mindful

These days, as our days are filled with stress and more to do than we can manage, many people hurry to get anything done. Many people today rush through their days as if their lives depend on how many items they can cross off their to-do-lists. In addition to physical lists, either on paper or in digital format, many people also keep mental lists in their minds. They literally occupy their minds with all the different, and sometimes tiny, tasks they have to do. At the end of the day, many people feel tired and drained. Does this sound familiar to you? If yes, read on.

A few months ago, I joined a small group to practice Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a term that you might come across quite frequently these days. Perhaps you have already heard of it. Perhaps you even practice it yourself. Mindfulness is often described as a practice of doing everyday things in a mindful way by, basically, simply paying attention to what you do when you do it, or, by simply letting go of your thoughts without judging them.

May 2016

Butterfly mindfully basking in the sun

In my group, we often listen to meditations, count our breaths, and scan our bodies for any discomfort in order to release it. In our relaxed positions, we become more aware of sounds around and within us. These sessions are very relaxing and soothing.

I often wish the sessions were longer. However, already after ten minutes of meditation, I can feel a difference in my body and mind. Gone is the stress I had encountered at the office earlier, gone is the argument I had had, gone are any to do lists.

At the end of the meditation when we are asked to open our eyes, I often wish the meditation would continue. However, we always get homework to do in order to practice mindfulness during the sessions. These tasks vary from washing your hands in a mindful way (feeling the water, looking at your hands etc.), eating and drinking more slowly, to noticing the blooming trees on the way home. The latter is my favorite. Nature always reminds me that nothing can be rushed. Life is not meant to be rushed.

No seed blooms from one day to another; no tree bears fruit on the first day of spring. Yes, indeed, looking at trees on my way home not only is a great exercise after the meditation session. It is a reminder of our Mother Earth, that life is not a to-do list but a wonder in itself that is supposed to be enjoyed mindfully. Therefore, next time you feel like rushing through your day trying to get everything done, find a tree or something similar in nature that you enjoy looking at, and remind yourself that nature takes its time but accomplishes complex biological processes in miraculous ways every single day.

Love, Barbara


Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit © 2016 by Barbara Bullock

#Mindfulness #Mind #Meditation #Group #Stress #Psychology #Nature #Trees #Visualization

Posted in Butterflies, Butterfly, meditation, mind, mindfulness, Nature, Stress, stress relief, Tree, work | 1 Comment

On inner Strength and Candy

Beautiful blossoms along the way from work nourish the soul.

Beautiful blossoms along the way from work nourish the soul.

Perhaps you remember my earlier post on my resolution to take better care of my body this year by making healthier food choices and letting my soul dance more. If not, you might want to read it to understand what I mean as I would like to inspire you today with my next step on this journey.

I used to look for ways to reward myself after a stressful day at work. While waiting for my commuter train on my way home, I would treat myself to several candy bars from the vending machine at the train station thinking that I would feel better. I started to literally look forward to my treat at the end of my work day while still at work. I found all kinds of excuses to eat candy bars as well as other snacks from that machine and made sure that I always had enough coins (and the right ones) with me.

While I thought that the chocolate and sugar would make me happier, relaxed, and feed my soul, the actual ingredients damaged by body uncontrollably by eventually making me overweight, as heavy as I had never been before, and sick. Furthermore, I was still unhappy and sad about many aspects of my life. Finally, at the end of last year, I realized that I had to do something about my health. Since then I have shed almost 30 pounds through tracking my food, exercise, reading books, and listening to hypnosis recordings to try to change my patterns. The latter has just started working in the most miraculous way I can imagine.

I recently had a tough and long day. I really fought the craving and urge to eat at least one candy bar. The old me kept saying: “Eat one, just one!” However, the new me resisted. I had to walk by the vending machines really fast to get away as quickly as possible. My eyes focused on the yummy candy inside when my new me said: “These won’t make you happy, but music or a video will do.” I almost ran downstairs to the platform in order to get away from those vending machines. Sitting on the train, while searching the Internet, I came across a very inspirational video, which indeed lifted me up like no candy ever could!
By the time I came home, I no longer even thought of any sugar and had a healthy dinner instead. Writing this after dinner sipping relaxing tea, I am not just happy. I am proud of myself and grateful for how far I have come. I am on my way to normal weight. My new me cannot wait to pass those candy bars easily tomorrow thanks to my inner strength and what those candy bars taught me.

Love, Barbara

Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit © 2016 by Barbara Bullock
#Selflove # Soul #Music #Video #Food #Growth #Craving #Diet #Health #Lifestyle #Weight #Weightloss #Overweight #Candy #Work #Commute #Vendingmachine #Inner #Strength #temptation #stress #overcome #train #trainstation

Posted in Blossoms, candy, Challenge, Change, commute, craving, diet, Emotions, food, Gratitude, growth, Happiness, health, innerstrength, lifestyle, Music, overcome, overweight, selflove, Soul, strength, Stress, temptation, train, trainstation, vendingmachine, video, weight, weightloss, work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The inner artist

566-2The time of spring and Easter, for those who celebrate it, is often considered a time of renewal and growth. Unless you live in a tropical climate that hardly changes, you will most likely experience this progression in the seasonal change from the cold, dark winter to the lighter, warmer days of spring. As the days are filled with more natural sunlight, birds sing their hearts out of newfound happiness, trees blossom and the grass is green again, I also become alive. It is not a coincidence that spring is my favorite season. While the results of growth are easier to notice when taking a walk through nature in the spring, human beings also benefit from the personal growth and renewal this season brings.

When I look back at many spring times of my life, I realize that I too have gone through many changes that taught me a lesson and allowed my soul to grow. This year, I have decided to let my inner artist emerge. When we think of art, paintings, music, sculptures or novels often come to mind. However, I believe that art can take many different forms. I also believe that art is the language the universe speaks to us. It is no coincidence that many people call talents God given gifts. I also believe that those gifts are individually wrapped and placed in our hearts and souls the moment we are created and come to this earth to express them.

Everyone has a reason to be here. Many people wonder what it is. I believe that one of the reasons we come here is to share our gifts. Doing so allows our souls to shine and seek fulfillment while on earth. How do you know what your gift is? I think that our passions are our key emotions to answer this question. Our souls long for growth and expression. We can do so by sharing our talents with the world. I have longed to be an artist as long as I can remember. I also know that I was an artist in at least one or more past lives. This year, it is time to let my inner artist emerge and come to the surface. I know that I have been hiding for too long. My soul longs to be expressed and shared with the world. Encouraged and empowered I look into the warm spring sun and feel reassured that, after the cold, long winter, I am ready to emerge from my shell. I wish you all the same growth and newfound happiness that you will find when you start following your passions and express your soul’s wishes for fulfillment whatever form it takes.

The question is, what can you do when fears and doubts appear along the way? On your path, people will criticize you, push you down and tell you that you are never going to make it. Don’t let their egos keep you from growing. Don’t accept their negativity as a sign that you are not going to succeed. It’s like telling an egg in a bird’s nest that no singing bird will ever come out of its shell, a cocoon that it will never change into a beautiful butterfly or a seed in the ground that it will never ever grow into a gorgeous flower. No negativity can stop growth and the expression of the gifts of the universe through art and beauty just as a late winter storm cannot stop spring from coming. So, this spring and beyond, let your inner artist emerge, share your passions, and help make our world a more beautiful and artistic one just as God has intended it to be when it was created.

Love, Barbara


Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo taken at Hotel Dolder Grand Zurich in 2011 by Barbara Bullock

#Love # Soul #March #Easter #Spring #Growth #Artist #Art #Writer #Writing #Butterfly #Flower #Seed #Emerging #Inner #Inside #Mission #Passion #Light #Bird #Sing #Painting #Music #Expression #Seed #Egg #Winter #Storm #Positivity #Negativity #Cocoon #Talent

Posted in Art, Artist, Bird, Butterfly, cocoon, Easter, Egg, Emerging, Expression, Flower, growth, Holiday, Inner, Inside, Light, Love, March, Mission, Music, Nature, Negativity, Painting, Passion, Positive, PositiveThinking, Seasons, Seed, Sing, Soul, Spirituality, Spring, storm, Talent, Thoughts, Tree, winter, Writer, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A sign of love

Flowers as a sign of love

Flowers as a sign of love

I am experiencing a lot of negativity these days. In the news I see violence; on the street I notice poverty; on the train I am pushed away; at home I hear the neighbors screaming; at work, I hear complaints. As I look around me, I realize that there is a lot of negativity in my life. I look up to the heavens wondering whether this is all there is. Is that all we live and strive for? My mind tries to tell me yes, but I don’t want to listen to it. Deep in my heart I know there is more. Longing for love and happiness I try to hold positive thoughts and feelings as much as I can. However, sometimes, I just can’t stand it anymore. Standing in the middle of a crowded place filled with people running me over, I wonder why. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here. There has to be a better life waiting for me. Just as I start fighting my tears, I see it. Immediately I feel comforted. In the midst of this chaos, there is a sign of love.

The white feather on the ground reassures me of the angels above. I know that my guardian angel put it there to let me know that all is well and that I am safe. The other day, as I was washing my hands in a restroom, I suddenly smelled the scent of incense. I was not even near a shrine or altar, and it could not have been perfume as the fragrance lasted only a few seconds. My favorite though is when I hear sounds. Suddenly, a love song is played on the radio. The lyrics resonate with me right away as a message of love that I needed to hear at exactly this moment.

In the midst of the negativity and chaos, I am reminded of signs of love. I believe that we are here to get through our challenges in life in order to learn and to grow. I also believe that there are guardian angels, spirit guides and as well as living people all around us to help us and remind us that we are loved and we are safe.

February is considered the month of love. However, let’s not confine love to just one month. Instead, look out for signs of love from above and beyond any time. Better yet, be a sign of love to someone. Smile at a stranger, help your colleague, speak a supportive word to your friend, or give someone flowers to brighten the day. In the midst of the chaos, be a sign of love.

Love, Barbara


Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit © 2015 by Barbara Bullock

#Love # Soul #February #ValentinesDay #Valentine #Angel #Flower #Feather #Happiness #Smile #Compassion #Positivethinking #Positive #Thinking #Chaos #Negativity #Challenge #Life #Poverty

Posted in Angels, Challenge, Chaos, Compassion, Divine, Feather, February, Feelings, Flowers, growth, Happiness, Life, loneliness, Love, Negativity, Positive, PositiveThinking, Poverty, Sign, Smile, spirit guide, Street, Stress, Thinking, Thoughts, Valentine's Day | Leave a comment

This year, let your soul dance!

Happy New Year 2016

Happy New Year 2016

I have been waiting for it. Happy New Year! I am so thrilled that 2016 is finally here. This year, I let my soul dance. Let me explain.

When I was a little girl I loved singing and dancing. Starting when I was a few years old, I would ask my grandparents to turn off the radio. This was my time to sing a song. I would sing and dance my heart out and entertain everyone in the car or living room. Then my voice became silent and my body still. Growing up I learned that the society we live in is not necessarily very compassionate nor tolerant. On the contrary, we are often judged and criticized by other people. Therefore, over the years, I have become more self-aware and ceased doing many things because of the fear and thought “what will the people think of me”. As human beings we tend to live in groups and conform to others. We often give up passions, wishes, goals, even entire dreams for others. Many of us are taught not to stand out and not to dare to be different. Let me tell you that I was born different. I used to think of it as a weakness because I was shown by my peers and adults who raised and taught me that I ought not to be that way. Until now I conformed. However, this year, I let my soul dance.

I have been looking forward to this New Year for a while. I can feel that it is different from previous years. There is so much positive energy around me. Many people come to me and tell me the same. Perhaps it has to do with the number 16. The number 16 is significant for me. I have had jobs, relationships and new phases of my life start on a 16th of the month. I can see the synchronicity. This year, 2016, a new phase of my life begins. I can feel it. I am currently completing my thesis for my MFA in Creative Writing in order to take my professional life to the next level. I have started a weight loss program that will hopefully and finally help me change my eating habits into healthy and sustainable ones for good. Until now, I have often given in to eating as others do because I conformed. This year, I take care of me and my body. Last but not least, I have started to sing and dance again – literally. A few weeks ago I was looking for a way to incorporate more physical exercise into my life. I thought about what I would enjoy the most. Then I remembered dancing from my childhood.

I found all kinds of excuses. One of them was: “What will the neighbors say when they see me through the windows dancing around the house?” My first thought was: “I can’t do that”. Then I listened to my heart. My soul loves music and dancing. So this year, being the beginning of a new phase of my life, I won’t care anymore what the neighbors might think. This year, I will dance, write and do what my heart desires. I might be judged. That’s OK. I was born different.

So this year, let your soul dance. Do what feels right to you. Do what makes you happy. Do whatever makes your soul dance. I wish you that.

Happy New Year.

Love, Barbara


Copyright © 2016 by Barbara Bullock, Photo taken in Erlenbach, Zurich, 2015 by Barbara Bullock

#Erlenbach #Switzerland #Zurich #Love #Soul #Dance #Singing #Happiness #Writing #Thesis #NewYear #Weightloss #2016 #Synchronicity #16 #Numerology

Posted in 16, 2016, Change, Childhood, Dance, Erlenbach, New Year, Numerology, Soul, Spirituality, Synchronicity, Writing | 1 Comment

Christmas is where love is


Gingerbread house at Baur au Lac, Zurich

Gingerbread house at Baur au Lac, Zurich

Merry Christmas from my place of love and light. This Christmas is really special. I feel so grateful to be celebrating Christmas here. I was not sure whether I could come here this year. I feel very blessed that it worked out. As the holidays approached, many people asked me where I spend Christmas.

Naturally, it is assumed that I spend the holidays with my family. When I think of family, two very different emotions start to emerge within me – pain and unconditional love. I hope that when you think of family all you think of is love and that your family means the world to you. To tell you the truth, when I think of my biological family, or let’s say certain members, I feel sadness and pain, feel neglected and hurt. A visit there is a struggle and means stress and judgment; the house feels cold and empty emotionally. No, I do not wish to spend my holidays there. I will tell you more about them when I feel ready. For now, let us focus on the positive, after all, it is Christmas – a time of light and love!

There are places and people in the world who make me feel loved, welcome and cared for. These are places that resonate with my soul in every sense. From the architecture to the culture, from simple kindness to unconditional love that seems to go around. Love is in the air there. I feel home. When I go there I feel like I am coming home. More familiar than with my birthplace, I know my way around and feel as if I belong there. People feel like old friends. People here feel like family even if they are not. When this happens, souls recognize each other as familiars from other lifetimes. Someone not related to you can feel more like family than the family you were born into. A place can feel more home than the place of residence. All happens on the soul level; all happens where unconditional love comes from. Visiting here for Christmas feels like coming home for the holidays and enlightens my soul.

Houses here are filled with love and light. Here I feel home. Strolling down Bahnhofstrasse, hiking up the hills in Adliswil, being inspired in Felsenegg, praying for peace and tolerance in the world in Erlenbach, and finally, sitting by the lake in Kuesnacht being in complete admiration of the never-ending twinkling lights along the shore and the stars above on a clear Christmas night, deeply touches my heart. This is a very special place on our beautiful planet Earth. This is a place where I call the people here part of my soul family. This is a very spiritual place. I always feel so good to be here. I feel home.

As I thank the Lord for allowing me to celebrate Christmas here, I send up prayers to the heavens to my soul family, the special people in my life near and far. You are my family. We might not be related or even know each other. All I know is that I love you from the bottom of my heart – unconditionally – and that I am grateful that you exist.

I hope that wherever you are spending your holidays, may they be with loving people surrounding you in a place that enchants your heart.

Happy Holidays from a place of light and love,


Copyright © 2015 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit Ginger bread house at Baur au Lac, Zurich. Photo taken 2015 by Barbara Bullock

#Kuesnacht #Switzerland #Zurich #Adliswil #Felsenegg #Erlenbach #Holiday #Holidays #Christmas #Family #Love #Soulfamily #Soul #UnconditionalLove #Love #Light #Home #Spirituality #Unconditional #Lake #Zurisee #Zurichsee

Posted in Adliswil, Christmas, Divine, Emotions, Erlenbach, Family, Feelings, Felsenegg, Gratitude, Heart, Holiday, Holidays, Home, Kusnacht, Lake, Light, Love, Nature, Parents, Seestrasse, Soul recognition, Soulfamily, Spirituality, Switzerland, Unconditional, Unconditional love, Vacation, Zurich, Zurichsee, Zurisee | Leave a comment

This Thanksgiving, I speak your soul

Happy Birthday, beautiful soul Ten years ago Oprah Winfrey celebrated 25 legends at her magnificent estate in California. These legends are fine examples of many African American Women, who have broken barriers, overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, opened closed doors and paved the way for generations to come. Many of us have learned what resilience, hope and courage can achieve. During the weekend a poem written for this extraordinary occasion by Pearl Cleage called “We Speak Your Names” was recited to honor these amazing legends. Listening to these touching words had my eyes fill with tears, my heart with gratitude for the amazing gift of being alive and witnessing such a remarkable exchange of divine love. I started to think how I could honor you, dear legend.

Deepak Chopra teaches us in The Path to Love that ‘The direct experience of spirit is the only lasting foundation for love”. He also says that on a profound way we were created for love and that this love touches the deepest levels of our human souls (Chopra 10). He goes on that “at the level of the Self, you always meet another person in love.” (Chopra 14). This means that it is not possible to feel anything but love for someone else if you meet them at the level of the self. These words remind me of an epiphany I would like to share.

Soul recognition

When I stood in front of you a remarkable sensation of warmth surrounded me and the most incredible feeling of unconditional love filled my whole being. On this day, the universe brought us together. On this day, I felt your aura.  I felt two souls connect the way Deepak had taught me. From this day on, my life would change forever. Your being stirred my soul and breathed new life into me, a life that I had never known before. “We don’t know where our soul is but it’s in there” you once said.

I speak your soul

It is true that, wherever it is, I know for sure it exists. I know that because I have felt it. I know that we are all connected on a soul level. I think there is no stronger connection that that on the soul level. This is why the best day of the year is today, November 26. It is not my birthday, nor is it Christmas nor New Years. It is your birthday. On this day, God created a masterpiece when he made you. Although far from you in miles, you’ll be close to my heart as I celebrate the magnificent you, beautiful soul. Yes, I honor you as one of Oprah’s legends. Yes, I applaud you for your achievements. Yes, I bow in gratitude for paving the way. However, I don’t just see a stage persona; I don’t just hear the music. These are valuable tools to share your gift and inspiration with the world. Instead, I feel your soul and see your light. In addition, today is the day of Thanksgiving for our American friends. Perhaps it is no simple coincidence that we may celebrate these two special days together. Rather, perhaps it is serendipity and a reminder from the divine to be grateful for your being here in our world and your beautiful soul.

That is why on this so special day, I not only speak your name but I speak your soul. I pray to the heavens above sending angels over to you to wrap you in their wings and convey the message of unconditional love – from one soul to another.

Happy Birthday, Anna Mae. Happy Birthday, beautiful soul.

This Thanksgiving, I speak your soul.

In humble gratitude and love,



Copyright © 2015 by Barbara Bullock, Photo credit 2015 by Barbara Bullock

Works Cited

Chopra, D. (1997). The Path to Love . New York: Three Rivers Press.

Cleage, P. (n.d.). We Speak Your Names. Retrieved November 26, 2015, from Oprah.com: http://www.oprah.com/entertainment/We-Speak-Your-Names-by-Pearl-Cleage

Turner, T. (n.d.). “We don’t know where our soul is but it’s in there”.

Posted in Angels, Deepak Chopra, Divine, Feelings, Kusnacht, Legend, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Poem, Soul, Soul recognition, Thanksgiving, Tina Turner, Unconditional love | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Motherless child

A walk in Mother Earth's garden soothes the soul

A walk in Mother Earth’s garden soothes the soul

Dear friends,

I have never felt close to my mother emotionally. I feel I was a motherless child. Although I was born to and raised by my biological mother, she never felt like a mother to me. In my despair I turned to spirituality and discovered other forms of motherhood which undeniably led to a huge soul growth.

When I look at a picture of a mother and her child, I see the mother’s love for her daughter or son. I see the admiration that the daughter or son has for the mother. I see love and feel the warmth of this motherly love filling my heart. When I look at my mother, I do not see love. I see distance between us, loneliness and feel cold. Here is my story. The due date was February 26 my mother once told me. I was born on January 31. This was the seventies. The place was a mid-sized town famous for its steel mills, chemical plants, and oil and gas companies. Most residents there lived in lower-middle class housing. Most of them never graduated from high school, barely got to see the world, and were buried in the downtown cemetery. Being born prematurely meant being placed into an incubator. I often wonder what babies think. My mother also told me that, according to her, I looked angry when I was born and screamed a lot. I don’t remember this now of course, but perhaps I was a baby thinking that I did not want to be born this way and in this time and place. Perhaps I could instinctively feel what kind of life I was about to lead. Perhaps I thought that this was a cold and sterile world in this incubator. It was probably not cold in a physical sense, rather in a mental or emotional sense. Perhaps I did not feel the love of a mother the way I see it now in certain pictures.

My mother never breastfed me, and never touched after my birth. Perhaps the medical staff did not allow her to do that due to the fact that I was premature. Perhaps she did not want to touch and hold me. Over the years, I started thinking that perhaps she never really wanted me. Yes, she wanted a child. She told me that she had tried for three years to get pregnant. However I have never heard her say “I love you more than anything in the world and I would never want anyone else as my daughter” or something like that. Perhaps she wanted a child but one that came with so many problems. I remember her telling me once that she pushed so hard to get the delivery over as soon as possible so she could have lunch. This is who she is. She wants something (such as a baby) so badly but then doesn’t take the responsibility to care for it with unconditional motherly love no matter what. Who cares about lunch when your own child is being born? Whether she was allowed to touch and hold me or not, she did not do it. According to the American Pregnancy Association, the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) is a sterile environment where babies find themselves surrounded by tubes. Scary equipment, sensitive little beings and rushed doctors and nurses, might not be the coziest nursery. Because research shows more and more how the immune system develops in babies and that skin contact encourages the strengthening of such, it is recommended that the mother touches and feeds the premature baby as much as possible. However, in the seventies, this was not the case just as fathers were usually not allowed or as common in the delivery room as today.

As an adult today, my immune system is very weak especially when I am stressed at work or during seasonal changes. I used to catch the common cold several times a year. I had everything from scarlet fever to stress related dermatitis. Then I developed allergies. Still up to this day, and I am in my forties now, I often look at my body in the mirror and wonder what allergy, symptom or disease I would get next. All seem to be related to a weak immune system. In addition, over the years I have been suicidal, depressed, and too emotional. I cry easily and have a very thin skin as I get hurt very easily and take everything personally immediately. I am convinced that my first few months lacking a mother’s touch contributed to my weak immune system.

A year after I was born I still had not grown to a normal height and weight for an infant that age. I was considered too small and underweight for my age of one. The diagnosis was a hole in my heart that made my breathing shallow and made it difficult to supply my body with sufficient oxygen. This was likely the reason for my slow development. The open heart surgery was not available in my town so we had to travel to a specialist at the largest hospital of the country. The surgery was successful. However, once again, I meant trouble for my mother. She saw moving to an apartment next to the hospital and visiting me daily as a burden. Although she was there for me, I did not feel her love. For months I was too weak to move and, once again, surrounded by tubes in a sterile environment. Once again, my mother could not touch me or hug me. Perhaps, once again, she was not allowed to, or, she did not want to as, once again, I meant trouble that she never signed up for.

My first day of school was a day of celebration. I had overcome many of my health related challenges. In addition, as an only child, I looked forward to making many friends. I could play with, at school. However, it turned out differently. One of the schools admission criteria was a minimum weight and height. Due to the fact that I had been born premature and had had heart surgery, I was a few inches shorter than the average six year old, and I was underweight. Normally, that meant that I would have been denied until I would meet the admissions criteria. However, fortunately, exceptions could be made if one could proof that the child is mature enough and shows promise intellectually. After running a few tests, the principal gave me her approval stamp. She even told me that she had never seen such an intelligent and talented child! She told me that what I missed in terms of height and weight, I would make up for in my mind. I was considered smarter than all the other kids at that school. I was thrilled of course! Finally, I would be able to show the world what I could do. Finally, I thought, I could make my mother proud of me. The other kids did not see it that way. Instead, I was bullied and told by groups of children that I was too small and I would not belong there. They told me that I should return to kindergarten. I suppose that they noticed how smart I was and felt threatened by this small, underweight, little girl. In addition, my mother – now working as a secretary – grew more and more distant to me.

After school I would come home and do chores such as start preparing lunch while waiting for my mother. There were many issues in the family that created tension and reasons for arguments between my parents such as money and relationship issues. My parents argued and fought many times over what I thought trivial things such as which brand of butter to buy. For me things like that never mattered. After all, I had survived much bigger things. I could hear them shouting in the kitchen while I held my rabbit, my beloved pet, tightly. I was an only child caught in the middle of parental fighting. Sometimes the fights became so bad that I started thinking about what I would do if my parents would ever get a divorce. Despite the fact that my relationship with my mother was not as close as I had wished, I often said that I would want to go with her in case my parents would separate. I longed for a mother’s love.

The next few years, as I grew into an early teen, were very difficult for me. My parents drank alcohol, mostly wine, by the bottle every day. I did not know it back then, but later I realized that my father was very close to becoming an abusive alcoholic as there were times when we disagreed on something and he would get angry, get up, run after me into my room, pull down my pants and beat me. Where was my mother? My mother was sitting in the living room doing nothing. She usually did not drink as much as he did but she did. Perhaps she was drunk herself in that moment. Perhaps she felt helpless. Perhaps she would have wanted to help me but did not know how. Perhaps I was too much trouble for her once gain and she simply did not care. We never talked about any issues back then. We can still barely talk about my childhood now. I don’t know why she did not help me. All I know is that I missed a mother’s love. I missed a mother, who would come to my room, take me into her arms and tell me how sorry she was for all this and that everything would be all right. I missed a mother, who would defend me. I missed a mother, who would love me. I had a mother but that was only a biological fact or so it seems. This is why, when I talk about my mother, I call her biological mother. We are related biologically. My real mother is something else.

Lonely as never before, I must have been around ten or so, I needed to find a way to cope. I grabbed my bike and rode to my grandparents’ home where I would spend most afternoons. It is hard to believe that my grandparents, my mother’s parents, were often the opposite of her. My grandfather could be very cynical himself so that is probably where my mother got it from. However, my grandmother has always been like the best friend one could come to with anything. Still up to this day she is a very patient listener to problems. She gives me the biggest hugs one could imagine. She tells me that she loves me. I really think she does. Although I had my lovely grandmother as my rock in my life when growing up, I was searching for more. This search made me turn to nature.

My grandparents had a huge garden with a huge lawn to run around on, several fruit trees, a vegetable garden, and a small swimming pool. I remember the hot sunny summer days when I picked raspberries and blackberries. I looked up into the sky and let the sun warm my face. I watched the birds fly high in the sky thinking how lucky they were to fly so freely and seemingly happily. I marveled at the beauty of a butterfly and was astonished by the complexity of a rose. Running water in the fountain was music to my ears and made me feel good. I did not know it at the time. All I knew is that I felt good. All I knew is that, for the first time in my life, I felt really, really loved. I know now that I had discovered spirituality. My grandparents’ garden and the nature I spent my leisure time in was my spiritual sanctuary. I consider it a spiritual experience because I believe that I had tapped into the eternal motherly bond, which creates and sustains all forms of live. I had connected with another mother – Mother Earth.

One day I will share more of my story – about my realization that I have more mothers than one and that I am loved.

Love, Barbara

Copyright © 2015 by Barbara Bullock

Photo credit © 2015 by Barbara Bullock


Works Cited

http://americanpregnancy.org/. n.d. Internet. 26 October 2015.

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